Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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