People in love make me want to vomit
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
