so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
