No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
