when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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