So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
