I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
