I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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