summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
