a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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