I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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