Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
