I just saw a hot homeless man
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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