The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize