I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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