Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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