I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
