You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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