When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
