my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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