when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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