now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
