JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
