you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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