barbara walters just said penis...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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