I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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