Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
foreskin is a definite game changer
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
