Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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