but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
