if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
