I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
