We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
