I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
