I need to stop coming to work sober
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
