hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
