The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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