just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
