so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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