Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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