Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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