a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
