just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
