when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
