An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
