i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i drank out of a bidet.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
