I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
