Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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