I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
