when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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