you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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