I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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