You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
