Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
