I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
